ratchetjak

Dear journal,

Sigh...

Lately for the past few months, I've been feeling really inadequate... Well, art-wise anyways. I haven't been able to draw a single thing in months... I keep screwing up on certain parts and I can't seem to overcome this. Although, I have been practicing and such, trying to find solutions to my problem, nothing seems to be really working. I was hoping this kind of thing would pass a few months ago but now I'm really starting to think that won't happen... I don't know, I'm just feeling like well, I'm not going to say it.
I can't seem to draw bodies at all anymore, I always seem to screw up on things that I normally could find a solution for in the past. Even hands, guhh... That's the worse part that is troubling me. I haven't been able to draw any good hands through all my drawing years. They're just so hard for me and even when I look through tutorials, I feel pathetic because I can't even follow those right.

I've always loved drawing, it was mainly the only thing that kept me sane when I was troubled or just wanted to imagine but with all these problems, I doubt i'll think the same way I used to. I even start college in three months and I chose it solely for drawing but now I'm afraid I'll be kicked out when the people see that I can't draw like I said I could. I was hoping I'd get better throughout the years. Don't get me wrong, when I look back at my old drawings, I do see many improvements I've made but not that much; just little things here and there.

I wanted to become  an artist solely for me because I really do have a passion for it, I also found along my artist journey that I also wanted to be an artist to help inspire other artists like me who aren't as good and even feel like giving up. I wanted to show that they can do it with hard work and determination. A lot of good artists tend to belittle the amateur artists and think they are all superior. I'm not saying all great artist are like this but I have seen some and I don't think it's right. No one should belittle someone just because they aren't that good at the things they love doing. I vowed that I would make a statement and improve on my art and show others that anything is possible. But... I don't think I'll be able to carry on my dream anymore and it sucks because I really wanted to follow it.

At this point, I don't know what I'm going to do... I know this though, I'm not going to stop trying! I'm not letting go of my dream, even though right now, I think I should give it up. I just don't know how I'm going to follow through. I really wish I did have a teacher who could help me, someone who could give me pointers and such, but I think I'm on my own on this one. Like I said above, I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, other then try and put my heart into this problem.

I'm sorry that this entry was so long, I just had this on my mind for such a long time and I had to let it out somewhere. Please don't feel obligated to read or anything, I just write these just to let my thoughts out, nothing more so please like I said, please don't feel like you should or have to read my journals. Just wanted to make that clear.

Anyways, Till next time...

-Kai (a.k.a. Paul)